The Asian Championships Elephants Squad

Alex Barker

Like Rocky in Rocky IV, Barker had to isolate himself from the rest of the world in order to train for the Asian Champs choosing not Siberia, but the undiscovered island of Japan, or as they say in America – Japan. Barker has built up his fitness by joining each and every whale massacre in the South Pacific over the past six months - volunteering himself to be the actual harpoon that is shot into the animals’ body. A national hero in Japan, a pub slut in Lao, Barker is very likely to give Singapore a decent nudge.

Dave Kemp

Richo's move to the wing for Richmond this year inspired Dave so much that he grew 30cms and genetically cross bred himself with a horse in order to emulate the Tigers great. Former coach of the Lao national athletic team which recently took Beijing by storm, Dave when recently asked what sort of shape he was in said ‘I still have the turning circle of a bus', which for an Elephant means almost certain selection in the All Lao side this year.

Grant 'The G-Train' Follett (silent tt, pronounced Folei)

All aboard. The G-train is Laotian football. The Train is so entrenched in footballing folklore in the land-locked nation that the word in Lao for Australian Football is ‘Grant'. As in, hey Noy fancy a kick of Grant this arvo? When not inspiring close to six million people the Gtrain lists his hobbies as reading anything written by any of the 1991 Australian Boomers (esp. Phil Smyth) and writing his memoirs in which he describes Meatloaf as the biggest influence on his career both in a footballing sense, and personally. The Gtrain is the Elephants games record holder with a phenomenal four matches.

Marty Sharples

Marty Sharples - Former lead guitarist for Skid Row, Marty has turned his hand to football presidency over the past year acting with the arrogance of Eddie McGuire, and the ethics of Richard Pratt.

When the Vientiane Times recently heavily criticized the club for covering up a drunken car accident allegedly involving Snakes and the Ferrari Phil, Sharples denied the pairs involvement by saying ‘Nonsense. Snakes is away in the Congo with his church group and Phillip passed away in 1987 so it couldn't have been them'. Marty is the club's games record holder with a prodigious 4 games and leads the all-time goal-kickers list with a super-human 5 .

Michael 'Hollywood' Hassett

What can be said about Hollywood Hassett that hasn't already been said, both in and out of court? Everyone knows his biceps are photo shopped, everyone knows that he's the oldest player at the 2008 Champs, everyone knows about his failed 1989 audition for New Kids on the Block, everyone knows his record collection comprises "Floor Fillers" volumes one and two, and everyone knows that he will not be accused of referring to a spade as a shovel.

But does everyone know that, in place of hamstrings he has two taut pieces of al dente angel hair spaghetti? A founding father of the Club, Hassett has coached a club record 4 games in his tenure at the helm. Rumored to be his last ever game of football in Singapore.

Phil Jordan

The Ferrari. Really fu@#! fast. Smokes like Warney, drinks like Boony, parties like Paris Hilton. The real athlete Nike made the orginal Air Jordans for, Phil is the only player on the Elephants squad who actively loathes the game.

Elephants games record holder with a prodigious four matches thus far

Tom Schauble

Mild-mannered IT geek by day, slightly irrate and supremely buffed up footballing colossus by night, it's a well known fact that Clark Kent has a poster of the Schaubler up on his wall.

The Schaubler's famous run down the wing in Hanoi where he unexpectedly dropped the ball out of bounds in a brilliant tactical move to throw the other-side into confusion was the model the American forces used in their successful 2003 invasion of Iraq.

Bruce 'Fort' Knox

Proof that football and flute playing, wig wearing, flare sporting, funk singers are mutually compatible. Big bad Bruce is the Elephant's Mr. Reliable. Strong, solid as a rock backman who will not give an inch, unless it is courteously requested and the person really really needs it. A quality player.

It is believed other nations competing in the Asian Champs are trying to get a UN Security Council resolution to bar the Fort from participating. Fat Chance. Laos has a veto, and Ban Ki Moon is a huge Phants fan.

Chris 'the Sepo' Manley

Former NFL defensive linebacker. Being tackled by the Sepo is like being raped by a washing machine. Weighing in at 167kg, or as they say in America - 3 million pounds, Chris is actually a really, really nice guy who likes long walks in the park, listening to Kenny G, and romantic candlelight dinners.

As a four game veteran the Sepo is the longest serving ‘foreigner' in the history of the club.

Santhisouk Sengdara

Santhisouk Sengdara - Captain of the Elephants and one of the greatest ever forward pockets to have pulled on the Pink and Grey. The moving story of how Souk went from humble gardener to national captain is currently being made into a 16 part mini-series by John Woo, with the part of Souk being played by a digitally enhanced Jet Li. A true legend of Laotian Football and, therefore, the revolution.

Wil

Wil - Much like a Brazilian soccer player, Andrew goes by only one name - Wil. Freakishly fit, Wil goes to painstaking lengths to deny his superiority to everyone else despite the bleedin' obvious fact that he is better than us all. Some doctors have suggested that he is too fit for his own good and suggested a diet of pies and ciggies pre-champs in order to bring him back to human being level. The 2008 Lao father of the year, Wil is the only non-nation state to sign, ratify, and fully comply with the Kyoto protocol.

Ian Donlon

A mate of Mick Hassett's, Donners should not be judged on this fact alone as in all probability is a top bloke. A utility player with great stamina the elephants are relying on him to fill one of the 14 positions we have no idea about.

Adam 'Snakes' Kaminski

Ladies and gentleman: Welcome to the gun show - Ticket Price: Infinity $. Value for money. Build like the proverbial outside sanitation facility constructed of nothing more than all the bricks in the world, Snakes is a very, very big, mean unit.

Plays wherever he wants on the ground, however he wants, whenever he wants. During the recent flooding of Vientiane Snakes was employed to bench press each and every affected house along the Mekong out of danger, saving millions and millions of lives in the process.

Tom Callender

Tom Callender - If you took Kareem Abdul Jabaar and mixed him with John Gastev you would get Tom Callender. The gritty half-back flanker has made a name for himself getting in and under packs and gathering hard balls, before dishing out the glory to others. A welcome addition to the touring party after 2 solid home performances, his blistering right foot combines well with his extreme left-wing environmentalism views.

Thommo

Thommo- Under International Law, every football team must have at least one "Thommo". The Elephants are lucky that affirmative action has produced such a raking left foot and a bit of classy grunt in the backline for the Elephants cause.

Nobody knows Thommo's first name, or if in fact he does have one. The common response to those foolish enough to ask Thommo is "That's an interesting question..." and then a swift left jab to the face.

Boris Yeltsin

Boris Yeltsin - Former President of Russia, now Elephants ruckman. Can drink vodka, can tap ruck, can take a big grab, can eat his own body weight in Goulash. Boris is the tallest person ever to exist in Lao. Big things expected from the big former Kremlinite.

Dan Carter

Former All-Black, Dan decided that being the glamour boy of rugby union didn't suit and like everyone else on the planet had a yearning to pull on the pink and grey for real (not just in the movies). At 210cm Dan is the second tallest man in Lao (possibly the tallest in stilettos). Dan has recently returned to Lao from a stint in the Phillipines where he is considered a giant deity, and is an obvious choice as first rover for the Elephants.

Classy centre-half-forward from the South of Lao, Langers lives and trains down a mine where kick to kick is vertical and can drop punt over 50 meters straight up in the air. Langers has been playing for several years with the little known Savannakhet Traffickers in the SLFC, and as one of the wet season's big signings for the Elephants is a very welcome addition to the side.

Shane Langdon

Roger ‘The Dodger’ Steinhardt

In his last game with the Phants The Dodger was involved in an extraordinarily dodgy pre-game deal with the Vietnam Swans which saw him switch sides (to the winning side) only moments before the game began, and then intentionally self mutilate his right hand in solidarity with the Phants. Back in the beloved pink and grey for Singapore to the delight of fans of the Phants, and of humanity more generally.

Daniel McGrath

It has long been rumoured that David Cloke fathered a fourth son. One with the ability of Travis, the raw guts of Jason, the shoulders of Cameron and of course the football nouse of the great man himself. Subject to DNA testing, there is little doubt that Daniel Mcgrath is the 4th son of D. Cloke. A tall marking forward with a good turn of foot, Dan has been plying his trade with the Tokyo Goannas for the past several years. He is a past winner of the Goannas top prize, "The Bebbinton" and in the process has dashed the AFL dreams of many Japanese defenders. On loan to the Elephants for this years championships, look for a solid performance and don't be surprised to hear someone, somewhere in the crowd say "Gee that guy has some Clokish abilities".

TRAV WILSON

Big arms and 'tackle' that'd stretch a pair of John Longmire hand-me-downs. Singapore ladies, you've been warned... the alpha-male has landed.

MICHAEL 'Stonezarelli' STONES

Cameron Ling, Mathew Bate and Todd Delaney all have something in common, exceptional looks and tremendous footballing ability. Michael 'Stonezarelli' Stones would also not look out of place amongst this elite group of footballing God's. Unstoppable on his day and as one boot-studder at Old Xav's once quipped after witnessing 7 underground handpasses in one quarter of amateurs footy, he truly is the 'black haired Neville Bruns'. On-loan to the Elephants from the Tokyo Goannas for the champs, the Singapore locals can expect something special on-field and also off-field as he throws back the malibu/lemonade and dreams of being the bongo player in the Kokomo video clip...

Eamon Fitzpatrick

To be sure, to be sure. The Elephant's latest Irish signing in a string of Gaelic representatives who have pulled on the pink and grey. In Firtzpatrick's only other game with the club he was one of the Elephant's best, kicking an extraordinary goal after a Michael Flattley inspired run/jig from full-back. It is rumored that the words that come out of his mouth when speaking are from the English language. This is yet to be confirmed

Jonas Kristensen

On debut for the Phants. Loves a run down the wing and expected to compete for 'drunkest man alive' on and off the field.

Mick Crossland

Mick is quick and agile with his tackle. Will compete hard with Kristensen for 'Drunkest man alive'.

Garth Bray

Another Phants debutant who has been described as ‘a nuggetty fan of the squirrel and its grip'

James French

Debuting for the Phants in Singapore, Frenchy's past is shrouded in mystery. It is said that he sprung, fully formed, from the gold mine in Sepon clutching a Sherrin. Part man, part precious mineral, he is quite literally worth his weight in gold to the Phants, and will be on a strict pies-only diet in the lead up.

Michael John Pettingill

Another of the Phants debut class of ‘08. With rumours circulating the region about the prowess of the man some simply call "Michael" and others refer to reverentially as "Mr Pettingill", the city-state is in lathers of excitement about this young man's talent.