Lao elephants

Former Lao Elephants President Marty Sharples sets the scene for the Lao Elephants’ third assualt on the annual Asian Champs:

Match Reports Asian Champs Shanghai

The 11th annual Asian Championships, and the Lao Elephants 3rd on the trot, has been played and won in Shanghai. As per usual they were a triumph for the men in pink in every sense of the word. The Phants maintained their perfect record of having won a game in every champs they’ve competed in and having a better than decent sized crack both on and off field.

Just getting enough players to the Hai was a momentous effort with phants of all shapes and sizes arriving from the Tiane, the Pon, the Kok, the Kong, the Bourne, the Ming, the Don, and the Jing. Merely arriving in Shanghai is no easy feat with half the side finding out the hard way that the city is the size of Western Australia. The Sepon crew spent a joyous day on planes, trains and automobiles after a few too many tsingtao’s in Kunming, the ex-president had 3 birthdays on this way from Pudong airport to the hotel and Vinny’s 2 hour train trip somehow became a 10 hour a train trip. Welcome to China. Once again the preparation was perfect.

Game 1 vs Hong Kong Dragons

History’s don’t come much prouder than that of the LPDRFC. This year the Elephants fielded a record 7 indigenous Lao players proving once again the only club in the region having a decent crack at blooding local players.

The Hong Kong Dragons are one of the big names in Asian footy. Three time champions with a forward line stacked with hedge fund managers, the Dragons were a pre-tournament favourite.

With more sponsors than a pre-stripper Tiger Woods, the Phants new kit looked a real treat – returning to the salmon of 2007 and ensuring the Rooster a 5 star hotel upgrade next time he plays for the Oslo Ocelots.

As per usual the first half of the first game was a bit sloppy. Half the blokes didn’t know each other, and half the Lao blokes had never played a game before. Things warmed up in the second half as the Dragon assault was slowed by a solid backline led by Ryan Edgecombe, the Croissant and the Cornetto. Vincenzo was in and under the packs like a crazed bulldog on ball heat and Junior Mack was solid across the half back line. Gheng started on the ball in his first ever game and very quickly adjusted his giant frame to the frenzied pace of Asian footy. Hoff and the Serpent rounded out the phants on-ball brigade, all of whom did a good job in nullifying the class of the Dragons.

Phants down by a few goals but far from outplayed.

Game 2 – Vs Thailand Tigers

This is one of the great rivalries in global sport, bettered only by the Phants ritual Asian Cup dominance of the Vietnam Swans (alas, not to be this year).

The Phants were slow out of the blocks. A dubious early Tigers goal which missed by about 3 metres was a setback. The goal umpire was on his 5th morning beer, a real battler. The Phants began to pepper the goal midway through the first half and after a few near misses including a shocking Dorothy Dixer from Dengue Fever, a moment of Sengdara magic got the Phants on the board for the day. A long kick into the forward line was roved off the pack by the Skipper who quickly steadied and went bang from about 30. One of the great all time Phant goals. Disappointingly the aeroplane didn’t come out in celebration but Souk’s recounting of the story in years to come is destined to enter the proud tradition of Laotian sporting poetry.

Another goal by the ex-pres left the phants up by a goal at the main (and only) break.

The second half was a Phantaslide. Vincenzo and the Serpent began running riot in the guts, and Chompsy set the ground on fire with his pace on the wing. Thommo kicked a goal from near the centre on a rare venture forward and then big bad Jase at full forward went bang, bang, bang in one of the most clinical spearhead performances in phant history. Far too strong for his opponent, the phant plan was simplified to ‘get ball, kick long, goal’.

In a magic moment father-son recruit Mack came flying past his old man screaming ‘Dad, Dad’ running into an open goal but was cruelly denied by his old man.

Phants by 5 goals, a phumping. And yes we did sing the song, and yes it did sound beautiful. Pitch perfect and phantphukingtastic.

Game 3 – Vs Dubai

By finishing second in the group, the Phants were drawn to play everyone’s favourite side the reigning champion Dubai Heat in the second round. The Dubai Heat are Asian Footy’s equivalent of Collingwood. If you’re not with them, you are most certainly against them. Big, fit, and better at footy than everyone else – they’re a very easy side to resent. There’s also the issue of their theme song. It’s shit. Really shit.

A few of the Lao boys looked a little worried about their alpha male opponents as they lined up initially but each of them had a decent crack. Safe in the knowledge that in Southern Sai the Phants had the Lao kickboxing champion on board if the proverbial did at any stage hit the fan it’d be good night Heat.

The backline stood up to a series of hot heat assaults in the first half as the rather hot goals were peppered. Frenchy was as solid as a month old croissant and Wes a veritable rock of Gibraltar – so long as no women were walking past. That is one back pocket who loves his chicks.

With the Phants under pressure someone needed to stand up. Cometh the hour, cometh the Duck. The President began to assert his rather considerable presence on the game with a couple of strong grabs at CHF to give the young pachyderms strength of heart. Quack, Quack, Quack.

In a classic package Chompsy grabbed the ball in the guts and took off like Usain Bolt over 10m, 20m, 30m, 40m….not a bounce in sight! An excitement machine. The Phants Liam Jurrah (who set the Hai alight on the Sunday afternoon as the demons beat the Brisbane Bears… a sign of things to come in 2011)

Wile the Phants didn’t kick a goal against the Heat, they showed a lot of ticker – not surprising given the size of an elephant heart.

Game 4 vs Japan.

This is a game the Phants should have won. A poor first half and inaccurate kicking cost us. Early in the 1st half captain courageous Sengdara took a knock in the head for the team and was rushed off to hospital where they stapled his head back together. A classic example of the Chinese medical system right there. No need for medical equipment, simple office stationary will suffice. That’s why they are certain to rule the world one day.

The Japanese Goannas play an exciting, fast brand of footy, led by their indigenous players. The Japanese have had an AFL system in universities for a decade and are reaping the benefits. Let’s hope that over time the young Lao blokes are given the opportunity to develop to that level.

Down by 11 points at half time the Phants dominated the second half with Travis Clokesque near miss following near miss. Most phants had a shot on goal before the Vincenzo finally banged one through from 50 to put Lao within a point.

Japan 2.0 – 12 to the Phants 1.5 – 11 – a pretty poor scoreline and not for the first time in its proud history the pachyderms were left to rue missed opportunities.

Some Highlights

All in all a cracking tour had by all, another roaring success. Hats off to the Pres, the Sexetary, the Croissant and all the organising committee for putting it all together.

Vincenzo and Chompsy were voted best Phants by the Phants.

In a massive effort Snakes was voted as equal best player at the entire champs and a member of the all-asian side. A massive effort from the Serpent. Adam came to the club as a pre-pubescent 13 year old and has matured into a pre-pubescent 15 year old, one of the leaders of the club and a bloody good fella to boot. Congrats Snakes.

Vincenzo was very stiff to miss out on all-Asian selection. Bloody system is rigged.

The Cornetto once again led the Phants off field with a very strong performance on Saturday night, and apparently up on the Russian border some days later.

The Croissant took on the role of chief merchandise distributor and thanks to his efforts it’s a rare bloke in Asian footy who doesn’t now own a phants jumper. Tre bon Francois.

The Champs were possibly the last game (for now) for club legend Ryan Edgecombe. The mysteriously named Thommo has been a great servant of the club we wish him well into the future.

Souk’s eyes nearly popped out of his head when at the number of showbags on offer at the Sunday game.

Next year it looks like the champs are back in the Kok – the spiritual home of Asian footy. The call must go out for all Phant alumni to get out those massive trunks and make a big effort to be there to give it a good old fashioned crack.

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